Who has time to blog

I love the idea of a blog. I have 5 kids and don't get out as much as most people. Even though I am stuck at home with a bunch of kids I still do have a lot to say. Mostly about my kids but you know there is other stuff too. Somewhere along the line (OK when I had a fifth child) I kind of lost track of this whole writing a blog thing. I have been busy. REALLY busy. I started a business. It is a cloth diaper/natural parenting stuff website *insert self promotion link www.happilyhomegrown.com*. It does not quite cover the bills of a family this size yet. I have a regular job working overnights at an adult foster care residence. I have done this work for 10+ years. If there is one thing I know about it is taking care of others. Of course we can't forget the kids ages 13, 10,6,4, and 1. They fill up the remaining time pretty well. Oh and I am married. I am hoping to jump back in to sharing some of the stuff floating around my mind on a more regular basis. Stay tuned.

Most will be donated but some must be destroyed

As I eagerly await ( three more weeks!) the arrival of this baby I make lists.

As previously covered I am a mildly compulsive list maker. While the most of the lists are of the *things to get done before baby arrives* theme, today's list was an indulgence.

Today I ventured into *things to do after the baby is here*.

Exciting stuff like 1. Donate maternity clothes to local thrift store.

I started to look through the closet and think about specifics and I had an epiphany concerning my least favorite, most unattractive garment I own, my maternity panties. I will not be using them again. Since their purchase in 1998 (yes these underwear are indeed 13 years old) they have faithfully covered my very pregnant body in those last few months. I think they may need more of a send off than mere donation.

I am thinking something dramatic. Maybe hang them on the clothesline soaked in lighter fluid and lighting them at dusk. If the neighbors were not previously convinced of my craziness, I think that might seal the deal.

Summer celebrations and some sadness

It has been a busy summer so far.

The local summer celebrations are in full swing. We did the county fair, pig races, muskie days and fireworks. We replenished our tootsie roll supply and emptied our wallets. The girls have had theater productions, art and cooking classes, and summer camp. We celebrated 4 birthdays and attended the annual family camptathalon*.
*That seems like it should have the trademark symbol next to it. Our weekend long annual camping/summer festivities.

Amid all the activity we discovered that we were expecting our fifth child. After a few weeks of keeping it a happy secret between my husband and myself I woke up to find that I was in the process of losing the baby. For the sometimes cynical person I tend to be I never thought this would happen to me. I have been blessed to have each pregnancy end in a lovely little person. This was not only the loss of a baby that I had quickly become very attached to but of an innocence I did not even know I possessed. I was quickly and quietly destroyed by a loss that no one else was even aware had occurred. The rest of the world just kept going while I came to a grinding halt for a bit.

I survived.

After two hour drive and ending up in the wrong Caribou coffee in St. Cloud (there are seriously 4 of them?) and thinking that I was going to either faint, vomit or bolt, I did it. I met my aunts.

They turned out to be surprisingly normal women and I got to learn a whole lot more about my father.

They brought pictures and it turns out I got my cheeks and petulant stare from my dad. No wonder "that look" it drove my mother batty when I was a teenager. He gave her the same one.

I have no idea where this will all lead. I would really like to see them again. I have never had much in the way of relatives. It is all new and interesting for me.

Not entirely honest: looking for the truth about my father

I have had a big few months.

My knowledge of my father consists one blurry photograph of him holding me when I was a a newborn. I have always been curious about him and his family. Recently in a therapy session with my mother (yup, we are all kinds of disfunctional) she pulled a genuine Maury Povich-esque big reveal. The story about my father and his family that I had been told my whole life had a few key portions left out.

She had always claimed that my father was an alcoholic who came from a family of ultra religious judgemental people who did not want a realtionship with me due to the fact that my parent were not married. They did try to get married while my mom was pregnant but the church officials in Finland would not give permission to marry in their church due to the fac that my mother had been married before. She also was fond of telling me that after their relationship ended my father ran away every time they tried to get child support from him.

A few weeks back when the subject of my father came up my mother blurts out that she was always afraid that my father's family was going to take me away from her. This really did not make much sense since she had always said that they did not approve of me and my father had purposely run away from the responsibility of me. Then she suddenly has a new tale to tell.
Apparently my father had a cousin who my mother got the impression wanted me, as in wanted to adopt me. She married and unable to have children of her own. She then tells me that when I was a baby that she and my father used to take me to see his parents and my aunts and uncles. I had been under the impression they never met me or wanted a relationship with me. She now with a sigh tells me that they kept "tracking her down to check up on me".

I understand that she was afraid. The mere idea of someone wanting to take your baby anywhere without you would strike panic in any new mom. But what I really question is why she would have continued to deprive me of an entire branch of family when I was older. I am 33 and suddenly she give me enough information (the name of the family's church) that I managed to locate two of my aunts. They E mailed me almost immediately saying they would love to meet me. Sadly I also had enough new information that I found that my father passed away in 2000. I wonder if he would have liked to meet his grandchild or me for that matter. My family up to this point consisted of my mother and an uncle who I am not on speaking terms with. I had two wonderful grandparents who passed away but really my family has always been quite small. Well until I started making me own members it was. To think that my father was one of ten children means I have a whole lot of relatives that I never got a chance to know.

Now the idea of meeting them is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. I was hit with a huge wave of insecurity when I got the E mail. My first thought was, Oh my gosh- what if they don't like me?

Agree to disagree- is there such a thing as a fair fight?

I married the king of debate.

Sometimes I think he actually enjoys a fight. He gets kind of a devious sparkle in his eyes when we start to argue. I am guilty of biting my tongue just to avoid the sheer time commitment that one of our spirited discussions may entail, and I am a girl who likes to speak her mind. But I have reached the point where I have realized it is OK to disagree even with people you love.

I don't think my darling has yet to get to this place. He still fights to win. The only thing is when you are married when one person wins, we sort as a unit all lose. When I say I don't want to fight about it anymore I actually mean it. I mean let's just agree that we will not agree on this front and drop the subject before we cause any hurt feelings. Because holding my tongue as a method of avoidance makes me feel very false and I like to think of myself as a genuine person. So we need to be able to call a truce. When I was younger and had more fight in me I would have stayed up all night long arguing with you about the merits of say, the foster care system but now I just am completely comfortable with knowing that we have a difference of opinion.

We have grown so much together as a couple in our time together- hopefully with enough time we can master the art of the fair fight if such a thing does indeed exist.

A question of worth

Let me preface this with saying how very thankful I am that I am able to be home with my children. I am all too happy to have it be my job to take care of not just the kids but also my husband. I gladly lay out his clothes, cook his meals, rub his feet and listen to him talk about his day at work. I have no problem doing all of those things, I actually like to, but.....

It has been a little over 3 months since I worked outside the house and I can feel my sense of self worth diminishing slowly. My tired husband does not want to hear about my own internal issues after his day at work and I can understand that. I remember being the one coming home tired. Some days being a mom is a thankless job and I crave a little acknowledgement that I am doing a good job. My sweet little 3 year old told me when I tucked her in to bed one night, "I hate you mommy". I try not to take that personally and remember that she also tells me I am her best friend ever. Some days I just need to keep reminding myself that while there may be no concrete proof of my worth, like a paycheck, the fact that I am here is still valued. Even if it is not often said out loud.