decisions, decisions

Around the time my little Miss Midge (short of course for her full name of Miss Midgy Squidgy) turned one I began to agonize over the big decision *Are we done?*.

We never really made a final determination on the issue of more babies after having a fourth little girl. I still am unsure of what I really want today. The thought of her being the last baby makes me feel so sad, but I suppose everyone feels a bit of that. But I do think ahead to the someday where as a group we are a little older, a little more portable and can enjoy a larger variety of activities. I can even, if I really squint my eyes and imagine, see what our life will be like when they are all need me not quite so urgently.

We also have the big plans of owning our own business sometime in the future. Which would be easier with a few less little people hanging on my ankles. I could work doing something other than laundry and playing referee.

I made the attempt to discuss this some with my darling husband, who takes a more casual approach to things than I do. He think it is okey-dokey to have more and everything will all just work itself out. Apparently he is not down with the whole think it to death approach I have been using. Which is probably good.

I am blessed.

I read a few other mommy blogs on a regular basis and recently read a post about losing a child. Even reading about another mom going through that is gut wrenching. Usually I feel the sudden urge to hug my own kids and say a quick prayer that they are always safe from harm. In the midst of all the raising them it is hard to remember how lucky I am that they are all here and healthy enough to be shrieking at each other. I have been making a conscious effort to be more grateful. I have many things I am thankful for that I am so accustomed to that I forget that they are blessings and not just a given.

My wonderful daughters. I love my girls so much more than I ever knew I had the capacity for.
They scream and fight and laugh and dance. They are crazy and sweet and sometimes angry. My life is so much fuller for knowing them.

My always interesting husband. After 11 years together I still would rather spend time with Sam than anyone else in the whole world. He challenges my thinking and stretches my patience like no one else ever has and I am never bored with him. He is truly a part of me. Along with him I inherited a group of in laws that I really, sincerely love. I am so grateful for you being a part of my life.

My comfortable home. It contains everything I need for living comfortably. I have functional appliances, hot and cold running water, food and even a bunch of extra cushy stuff like the computer, TV and central air. I am so lucky that I am not wanting for any essentials.

My trusty vehicle. It takes me places that are farther than I could go on foot and is big enough to accommodate the whole family and our groceries. Not having the option of leaving my little town of a few hundred would be a pretty limiting.


Early in my life I did not from time to time have some of these things that most of us do like hot water and food. My life is good and I need to take a breath, slow down and just appreciate it.

The all important list

My general morning routine goes something like.

Make coffee and have several gulps.

Change baby I's diaper if she is awake and fix breakfast for the girls.

While they are busy eating, drink more coffee and make my daily list.


I have a hard time self orienting without the list. I do not strictly follow the list. If mop the kitchen does not get done, I forgive myself. But at the start of a new day it calms my often racing thoughts to have a plan. A tiny piece of order amid the kid noise and chaos.
If I accomplish none of it, oh well. Things don't always go as planned when you have four kids.
What really matters some days is that I feel like I am progressing on some front. Being a mom is a thankless gig and sometimes seeing something like mail electric bill crossed off my piece of paper is enough to make me feel like I accomplished something.

You've gotta want it

I am sometimes driven to purchase items I neither need or on a long term basis want. Over time and with a concerted effort I have become better at resisting the pull but I often think of the real reason I have the need to buy.

When I go to my closet to get dressed I find ample items with which I can cover my body, yet on stroll through Target and I am filled with a longing for a variety of T shirts, skirts, sweaters....Some carry exciting percentage off tags and are just my size! If I cave and buy them surely I will be more fulfilled, more complete, more something, right? Sadly the truth I have come to realize is no new shirt, lipstick or purse will make me prettier, smarter, or in any way improved. I will still be me and now I will have less money. I almost always regret the purchases by the time I get home.

I have so frequently fallen into this trap that I have imposed a total ban on shopping for recreational reasons. If I am deprived of the temptation my shopping will be limited to things that are actually needed. This approach has really helped me. I am far less comfortable with depriving my girls. I know they do not really need much of the toys, clothes, movies and games I buy for them but it makes me feel good to give them more than I had as a kid. At the same time I worry that giving them too much will leave them with warped values. I had so very little growing up that what I did have was very valuable to me. My girls don't seem to have the same reverence for any of their own toys. Do they not appreciate things because they come so easy to them or am I just seeing it through my grown up lens?

I made an attempt for our holiday gifts last year to be more meaningful and less numerous. I am proud to say that one of my daughters favorite gifts was her sleepy snake. I made sleepy snake out of a pair of old striped tights stuffed with cotton balls a few of them scented with lavender. In short order she bit off the felt forked tongue but still loves it just the same. Now that makes me feel more fulfilled and complete.

blissfully domesticated

I want to support us so you can be home with our children. Quite possibly the most romantic thing that has ever been said to me.

I have worked at the same place for nearly 10 years. My eldest child was just over 1 year old when I started there and through the next three pregnancies and babies I remained there. I am nervously excited to announce that I am no longer employed there. (insert applause track)

After dealing with some health issues and school difficulties that one of my girls has had this year working just felt like more ummmm....work than it should be. I was relieved when my husband said he got a full time job and he did not think it was going to work for me to also be employed full time. I was then unceremoniously let go from my position after letting a co worker know that I intended to request a leave of abscence to work out the details of how we could make our new arrangement work. I will admit that it was a bit of a surprise.

I did not get too upset over it because my being home has always been the desired arrangement anyway. I am great at doting on the kids and even like to wait on my husband. I get a great thrill out of hanging the wash on the line and cooking. I like laying out all the clothes he will need for work and fixing him breakfast. Perhaps it is some sort of mental disorder but I actually am at my happiest just being home. I never feel that same sense of accomplishment working outside of the house. I am as Sam teasingly calls me "domesticated".

Just to hear myself talk

I have never thought of myself as the sort that blogs. I am more of the old school talks aloud to self in car. The kids like to occasionally ask who I am talking to but have adjusted to the fact that I am not really conversing just thinking out loud. Anyway this seem to me to be the modern, technological way of airing my own thoughts so here we go.......